Four Key Steps to Set Boundaries, Effectively!
The Concept of Boundaries
The concept of boundaries is largely attributed to Anne Katherine who wrote a book on boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. I think the title captures it perfectly. If we are not able to understand or sense where the other person ends and we begin, then we become emmeshed with each other and other people’s feelings. We feel responsible and are unable to pull away or are strongly affected by the emotions of others.
The Fundamental Difficulty
So, what obstacles hinder the development of healthy boundaries?
1. We Adapt to Our Environment as Children
As kids, we’re wired to adapt to our surroundings. Our connection to our parents or caregivers is crucial for survival, so we’ll do whatever it takes to maintain that bond—even in unhealthy or abusive situations.
If we had to take care of our parents’ emotional or physical needs or weren’t allowed to be our own person, we might struggle with boundaries as adults. We may become overly helpful or find it hard to separate our own feelings from those of others.
The coping strategies that helped us survive childhood—like always saying yes or putting our own needs last—might not serve us well as adults.
2. It’s Deeply Rooted in Our Neurobiology and Nervous System
These early experiences become deeply embedded in our nervous system. Over time, they form automatic thoughts, behaviours, and beliefs that can be hard to interrupt. It’s like an old program running in the background, often without us even realising it.
3. We Avoid Conflict
Setting boundaries often involves getting comfortable with conflict. When we start saying no, it can create discomfort—both for us and for those around us.
People who are used to us always agreeing might not respond well initially. They might need time to adjust, and this can be difficult, especially if we have an abandonment schema or fear of people leaving us.
Why You Should Bother
It’s worth putting the effort in, because it supports three key factors for a purposeful and successful life.
1. You Increase Self-Esteem: Boundaries are a way of taking care of ourselves. They help us set personal limits and express ourselves authentically. When we know our values and priorities, we feel more confident and secure. Standing up for yourself and prioritizing your needs over taking care of others can strengthen your sense of self and boost your confidence.
2. You Set The Foundation for Healthy and Safe Relationships: Boundaries lay the groundwork for safe and respectful relationships. They help us connect with others in a way that feels balanced and supportive for everyone involved.
3. You Grow and Transform: While staying in our comfort zone feels safe and familiar, it often means repeating old patterns from childhood. Only in the Learning Zone can we grow and learn, and make new discoveries, and mastering new skills/
Is it possible?
The question becomes, how can you change?
There is evidence that suggests, you will see progress if you put time and energy into changing these deeply ingrained patterns and beliefs. This is called neuroplasticity. We can change the way we perceive, experience and think about the world and us. Below are four key steps that will help you to make the first step into the right direction.
Four Key Steps that will help to build Your Strength in Setting Boundaries:
Make Eye Contact, Speak Clearly and maintain a steady voice
Listen Without Interrupting and respect the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree.
You are learning a new skill and you need to prepare. Draft out what you want to say using the following prompts:
I feel:
When:
Because:
I would like:
Journal and Plan Your Growth:
Imagine yourself feeling strong and self-assured during conversations. What would that look and feel like?
Choose one strength to focus on this week—like making eye contact or speaking up.
How will you actively build this strength?
What help or resources do you need to succeed?
